Tanglefoot's Humour

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The Unkindest Defence Cut of All

A very funny poem but, looking back with some 30 years of hindsight, how things have (not) changed in 3 decades.  Many thanks to Peter Wyton for allowing me to publish it on this website.

Iím the last man left in the Air Force,
Iíve an office in MOD
and a copy of Queens Regulations
which only apply to me.
I can post myself to Leuchars
and detach me from there to Kinloss,
or send me on courses to Innsworth,
then cancel the lot  -  Iím the boss. 

Iím the last man left in the Air Force,
but the great Parliamentary brains
neglected, when cancelling people,
to sell off the Stations and planes.
The result is, my inventory bulges
with KD and camp-stools and Quarters,
plus a signed book of speeches by Trenchard
which I keep to impress the reporters. 

Iím the last man left in the Air Force,
I suppose you imagine itís great
to be master of all you survey, but
I tell you itís difficult, mate.
I inspected three units last Thursday,
As C-in-C ( Acting ) of Strike,
then I swept half the runway at Laarbruch
and repaired Saxa Vordís station bike. 

Iím the last man left in the Air Force,
itís not doing a lot for my health.
Unit sports days are frankly exhausting
when the Victor Ludorumís oneself.
On guest nights the Mess is so lonely,
there are times when I wish I was able
to pass the port to the chap next to me,
without seeing it fall off the table.

 Iím the last man left in the Air Force,
my wife says Iím never at home,
when Iím not flying Hercs, Iím at Manston,
laying gallons and gallons of foam,
or Iím in my Marine Craft off Plymouth,
shooting flares at the crowds on the Ho,
or Iím Orderly Corporal at Luqa.
Itís an interesting life, but all go.

Iím the last man left in the Air Force.
Iím ADC to the Queen,
Iím Duty Clerk at St. Mawgan,
Iím the RAF rugby team.
Tomorrow Iím painting a guardroom
and air-testing numerous planes.
The day after that Iím for London,
to preach at St. Clement Danes.

Iím the last man left in the Air force
and Iím due to go out before long.
Thereís been no talk of any replacement
and I wonít even let me sign on.
I hope to enjoy my retirement.
Iíve put up a fairly good show,
and I wonít cut myself off entirely.
There are always reunions, you know. 

© Peter Wyton


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