Tanglefoot's Dog Jokes

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New Year Resolutions for Dogs

I MUST:

1.   NO longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener or the fridge door.

2.   STOP being fooled by barking dogs and ringing doorbells on the television and radio.

3.   LEARN how to break into the pantry, and decide for myself how much food is too much.

4.   DEFEAT the sock! I must defeat the sock!

5.   ACT maturely and in a restrained manner when my humans arrive home.

6.   RE-SMEAR nose prints on windows immediately after they have been cleaned off.

7.   LEARN not to stand up straight suddenly when lying under the coffee table.

8.   ALWAYS drink from the toilet bowl and use my water dish only as a splashing pool.

9.   WHETHER indoors or outdoors, always head for the living room to look for a fresh section of carpet when about to throw up.

10.   TRY to ride in the car without sticking my head out of the window.

11.   QUICKLY determine which guest is afraid of dogs then charge across the room, barking loudly, and leap playfully onto that person.

12.   NEVER resist the urge to roll in stinky stuff after a bath.

13.   ABSOLUTELY not chase that stupid stick or ball unless I see it leave his hand.

14.   TRY TO understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.

15.   AND next Christmas: I must remember to mind my tail when I'm near the tree.  I must not rip open packages under the tree, even the ones that smell interesting.  I must not drink water from the container that holds the tree.  And, for goodness sake, I must not chew on the cord that runs from the hole in the wall to the tree.

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